Scariest Mom Moment Yet

We had a very scary episode with Alex last night. He was outside playing with Pa, when I heard him cry. I went out on the porch to see what had happened. (He had tripped on the porch steps and landed on his shoulder.) I took him out of Pa's arms and he started to do a typical little kid cry, where they pull in a big silent breath as they prepare to let loose with a huge scream. He pulled in the breath, and then couldn't stop. I looked at his face and he had a look of pure terror. He made a sort of snorting sound, then he stopped breathing altogether. His face turned purple, his whole body stiffened, his back arched and his face went blank as his eyes rolled back into his head. I threw him into my dad's arms and shouted "Do something!" I then turned around and ran back into the house and yelled for Steph (our sweet babysitter who was over hanging out with us) to call 911. Grant had come outside while he wasn't breathing and actually called 911. My dad blew a breath into his mouth and pushed on his diaphram a few times. Thankfully, that was enough to start him breathing again. He started screaming and crying. I pulled him out of my dad's arms (Pa didn't want to let him go!) and tried to console my terrified boy. Grant was still on the phone with the 911 operator, and we told them he was now breathing, but to please still come.

By the time the squad arrived, Alex had calmed down alot. His whole body was red and sweaty. He didn't like the paramedics touching him. They checked out his shoulder, arm and collarbone. All looked to be just fine. They gave us the choice of taking him to Children's hospital ourselves or having him ride in the ambulance. We declined, and decided to just follow up with the pediatrician on call. The pediatrician told us that it sounded like he had a Breath Holding Episode, or Spell. It is something that only happens to toddlers, and peaks around the time of the terrible 2s. (And my boy turns 2 in just 8 days!) When they get really upset, frustrated, angry, hurt, etc. their little bodies don't know how to handle it and they stop breathing. Usually when they pass out and lose conciousness, they instinctively start breathing again. Unfortunately, once they have one, it's likely they'll have more. She recommended that we sleep with Alex that night, take him into the office in the morning to double check his arm, and call his cardiologist in the morning. Poor Grant had just gone back to work for his first day after paternity leave, and already had to call in sick for the very next day. He slept in Alex's room and woke up periodically to check on him.

I decided to email Dr. Knilans, so that he could hear the whole story directly from me, and not secondhand through an answering service or nurse. He emailed me back this morning (from Denver, where he's at a cardiology conference) that he thought it sounded like a Breath Holding Episode, but he wanted to run some tests just to be sure. I had checked out Breath Holding Spells on the internet (I know...not always a bright thing to do). There is a possible link between BHS and Long QT syndrome. Most of my friends from around the country that have defibrillators have Long QT. Alex did NOT have it on his first two EKGs, so hopefully he still doesn't. (There is a part of the pattern on the EKG called the Q wave and another part called the T wave. Long QT is when the interval between the two sections is two long. So it's able to be diagnosed through an EKG, usually.)

We loaded up the boys this morning and made our first stop at the pediatrician. Alex did great! He was more concerned with the boo-boos on his legs, and made the doctor listen to his boo-boos with his stethescope :) Dr. Friedburg agreed it was a BHS, and gave us advice on what to do when/if it reoccurs (start CPR if he doesn't breathe on his own after 30-40 seconds....not sure if I'll be able to wait that long to do something!). He thought the cardiac testing was probably overkill, but with my history, he understood why Dr. Knilans ordered it. We loaded the boys back up and headed down to Children's. Alex had an EKG and then had a holter monitor placed. It will record all of his heart activity for 24 hours. Dr. Knilans is supposed to call us this evening (from Denver) to let us know how the EKG looks. (Alex has had EKGs in the past that were fine, so we're hoping nothing has changed.) Alex definitely flipped out during the testing. He cried so hard that he broke little blood vessels all over his face and neck. But---he kept breathing the whole time. Whew! It broke my heart because he kept doing the sign for "all done" and saying "bye bye." It felt like we were torturing him, holding him down for the testing. He's actually done amazingly well with the holter. We slipped the device in his pocket and told him it was his cell phone. He hasn't pulled at his wires or leads (at least yet!). He had 5 leads that each had big stickers over top. Then he has a net-like shirt on over top of all that to keep things in place and keep his little hands away.

Well--those are the facts of what has happened over the past 24 hours. The feelings--are alot harder to describe. I will be haunted forever by the face of my child unable to breathe. I will never be able to get that image out of my head. I had to be the strong one. I wanted to break down and sob, throw up, run away when it was all happening..and I couldn't. I had to be calm and strong and hold Alex and make it ok for him. Then I had to continue to be strong until he went to bed a couple hours later. When all I wanted to do was break down. I am so scared for my child. I am scared that this is an indication that he'll develop my problem later on. Even if it is a typical toddler behavior, at the root of it, his body had a jolt of adrenaline that it didn't know how to handle. That hits really close to home for me. I feel like I can't take my eyes off of him. I feel like I have to watch him constantly to make sure he's alive. (I finally have some idea of what my parents went through with me and my whole ordeal.) On top of that, Noah. I have a two week old baby to take care of. Who has 3 holes in his heart. Who had a little not-breathing episode of his own when he was 2 days old. (He choked on some saliva...apparently it's a common thing to happen to newborns.) I already had Noah sleeping in our bed, just in case he choked again. I was already sleeping with my hand on his stomach to make sure he was breathing. For both of my boys to stop breathing within 10 days of each other is ALOT to handle. They feel so fragile and precious to me. I feel like they could just slip away from me. I don't know if I'm cut out to be the mom to possibly two boys that may have long term health issues (and I'm trying not to get ahead of myself. Both of the incidents could totally be normal for their age and have no bearing on their future health). But, as my wonderful sister in law pointed out to me, God gave me Alex and Noah because I am the perfect mom for them. He knew all the issues my boys would have and gave me them to take care of for Him. I need to trust that God knew what he was doing in giving me my two specific boys. As a side note, God definitely knew what he was doing when he gave me to my parents and my boys to their grandparents. My poor dad has had to relive some very hard memories over the past 24 hours. But yet, he was meant to be there and was the perfect choice to be my dad and Alex's grandpa.

I am trying to trust God and trust in His goodness. God has ALWAYS watched over our family. God had my dad at my house last night for a reason. My dad was there to save me 15 years ago, and he was there to save Alex last night. God's responsible for that. (By the way, we decided my dad either has to move in, so he's always there to save us, or never come around so that nothing bad can happen. :) ) I know that my boys are in His hands and that nothing will happen to them that He doesn't already know about. I know that everything works out for HIS glory. It's just really hard in the moment to trust that. I've had a hard time trusting before, and by the time the situation has played out, God's glory has been revealed and my doubting has seemed stupid and shameful (for example, my wire breaking when Alex was 4 months old..). I'm going to try and just trust, blindly, this time that God has everything under control and will work things out.

I couldn't sleep last night, so I started reading Psalms. Here's what God showed me (in the Message version):

"I love God because he listened to me, listened as I begged for mercy. He listened so intently as I laid my case before him. Death stared me in the face, Hell was hard on my heels. Up against it, I didn't know which way to turn; then I called out to God for help: 'Please God!' I cried out. 'Save my life!' God is gracious--it is He who makes things right, our most compassionate God. God takes the side of the helpless; when I was at the end of my rope, he saved me.

I said to myself, 'Relax and rest. God has showered you with blessings. Soul, you've been rescued from death; Eye, you've been rescued from tears; And you, Foot, were kept from stumbling." Psalm 116: 1-8

Please pray for Alex. Pray that his little body learns how to handle the strong feelings and that he wouldn't have to experience another Breath Holding Spell. Pray for Grant and I to parent our boys appropriately. To watch over them and keep them safe, but not hold them too closely--to let them still be boys. Pray for strength as we wait for some answers. And please, praise God that this scary situation didn't turn out much much worse! God is good!