Adoption Update

Well....there actually is no update. The title is misleading. Unfortunately. We're now past our 6 month point of waiting. Sigh. No news. Baby Girl's room is done. Her crib is up and ready for her. We're trying to be patient, and mostly succeeding. Funnily, I think Alex is the most impatient. Every few days he'll ask for her. Or say, "I'm ready for my baby sister now. Where IS she?"

I must admit, I am getting the baby itch. When Alex was Noah's age, I was already about 5 months pregant with Noah. I am ready for another baby. Most days it feels like she'll never be here. But, I know that God's timing is perfect. I know that he has *our* daughter picked out. It's clearly not time for her yet. So, in the meantime, I'll chase after these two boys that I've been blessed with and enjoy being a mom of two and paper pregnant with my daughter; due date to be determined.

Conversations with Alex

Alex has had some funny things to say recently.

~Our good friend, Danny, is in town from Colorado. Alex hasn't seen him in about 6 months. Danny bent down to hug Alex at church this morning and Alex hid behind Grant's leg and wouldn't even look at him. In the car on the way home, Alex says "I scared of other mommies and daddies. I don't like them. I scared." We said, "Why?" and he answered "Cause I scared of humans." Ha!

~Alex is obsessed with becoming a firefighter. A REAL firefighter. Every couple of days we have to have a conversation about how he has to be an adult to be a real firefighter. The other day, this is how that went:

Alex: I want to be a REAL firefighter, Mommy.

Me: I know, bud. You have to wait until you're an adult.

Alex: I know! But I growing and growing. I can't hold it. I WANT to be one. I thinking about it all the time. My firefighter coat (his Halloween costume) not dirty and my firefighter hat not dirty. I want to be REAL firefighter, Mommy!

My Boys

Alex

Alex is now, officially, three and a half. He goes to preschool on Monday and Tuesdays at 3C's Nursery School. (Which is the same preschool I attended). He loves Mrs. Vincent, his classmates and all the fun things he gets to do and learn there. He is learning and growing so much. He really has lost all "baby" and is totally a Boy now. He loves to talk and tells me all about his dreams that he has. (For instance, flying in a space shuttle to the moon and taking the moon down and squishing it.) He asks, often, "What kind of day is it, Mommy? School day? Childcare day? Football game day? What kind of day it going to be?" He always likes to know what's going on.

Alex is going to dance class again this year. His good friend, Katelyn, is in class with him this time. He is doing a great job. He also started piano lessons this Fall. We LOVE his teacher, Mrs. Wiers. She is fantastic. Super sweet, but super firm. Exactly what he needs. He is learning the notes on the piano. He puts colored stones on the notes (red on D, blue on E, etc.) and sings a song for each notes. He's learned 5 notes so far. He also knows how to bow, proper piano posture, "rainbow fingers," and is learning to clap rhythms.

Alex can write his name, count (sometimes) to 20, name all of the letters, write a bunch of letters.

Alex has a definite sweetness about him. He always asks about baby sister. He wants to know when she is coming. He doesn't like anyone to go in her room or touch her special blankets we have ready for her. He'll also, randomly, turn to me and say "I love you Mommy!" quite often. He is such a sweet boy. Along with that, though, he is tough. He loves to wrestle, play football, tackle, climb, run, jump on and off the furniture, etc. I've long ago removed everything breakable from our living spaces. :)

"I love playing football at football stadium. I love marching band at Wildcat stadium. I just love soccer and football. And I love dark blue. I love Christmas trees. Like ours, right there. I love playing games on your computer and on Daddy's Ipad. I love my ci-cis. (His special blankies.)"

Most importantly, my boy has a heart for God. He loves to go to church. He loves to worship God. In the car he always asks for "Glory to God songs." And then he'll sing them, all, at the top of his lungs. He also will sing his worship songs in the basement while playing the drums. Sometimes he'll rope me into "playing" the guitar along with him in his "worship band." It warms my heart to hear him sing "Glory to God, glory to God, glory to God forever! Take my life and let it be, all for you and for your glory. Take my life and let it be yours."

Noah

Noah is 19 months old now. How did that happen?? He is my snuggle bug. He has about six special blankets that he keeps in his crib and carries around the house. He is turning into such a little boy.

He still is not talking very much, but he definitley communicates! He signs a lot of things (milk, please, all done, poop, hurt, sorry, thank you, water, stop...all the basics!) and gets his point across. He does say a few words: Mama, Dada, Ahh (for Pa), Ma, Papa, ball, brother, bop (stop), bump (jump), and maybe a few others. He does lots of animals noises: a gorilla, sheep, cat, dog, pig, car, duck, tiger, etc.

He loves to follow his big brother around. In general, he is a "herder." He likes to have us all together. When I go to pick him up from childcare when he's in there by himself he runs right to me. If Alex is in there with him, he'll hold his hand out to Alex and wait for him. As soon as Alex starts heading for the door, he'll run to me. He has to make sure we're all together. If one of us goes down into the basement or upstairs he waits at the bottom or top of the stairs for us.

He loves a musical Snoopy toy that Gramee gave us for this Christmas season. He turns on the music and dances. It is so sweet to watch.

Crazy boy is STILL waking up at least once a night. I think he's slept through the night *maybe* three or four times in his whole life. I've long since given up being frustrated about it. I just nurse him and go back to bed. I cherish those snuggle times with him. He'll eventually sleep!

Noah is just starting to really play with toys. He loves to play with cars, trains, etc. He drives them all over and makes car noises. He also loves to play with tools. He loves watching "Cars" movie and "Bob the Builder" movies. He'll stand in front of the TV and sing the Bob theme song.

Highlights of my day

#1 A family trip to get our Christmas tree from Uncle Bill's garden shop. I loved watching the boys run around all the trees. I love the smell of all the trees. And most of all, I love the way the tree looks in our living room with all of the beautiful white lights.

#2 Doing our advent calendar with Alex. Today was talking about how Gabriel, the angel, came and told Mary that she would have baby Jesus. I said, "Alex, do angels talk to you?" He responded, "Yeah! And they sleep with me, too!" I love that God sends angels to comfort my boy.

#3 Ding-Dong-Ditch-ing at my parents house. We got the kids out of the car, put them on my parents' doorstep, rang the doorbell and started to drive away. Grant and I thought it was hilarious. Thankfully, my parents did too. We took a quick trip to Kroger and had a 20 minute date shopping for Christmas lights before we went back and rescued my parents.

#4 I enjoyed the irony of watching my children fight over who could play with the nativity set. I finally said to Alex, "You're fighting over Jesus! Jesus likes you to share!" Of course, it ended in tears and time-outs.

#5 Watching Alex stand on a step ladder and gently help my mom place the candles on the windowsill in her Christmas museum--I mean--dining room. :)

#6 A sweet playdate with great friends, sweet kiddos, and a chubby-cheeked baby.

A day in the life....

Yesterday was quite the day. I decided to chronicle it: A day in the life of a Stay-at-home-Mom/defibrillator patient/Dance teacher.

2:30am Noah wakes up. I go downstairs in the cold house to his room. I nurse him. (Another post for another day...) He goes back to sleep. Alex wakes up. He wet the bed. I change him, put a towel on his bed, tuck him back in. Climb the stairs. I try, unsuccessfully, to go back to sleep.

3:45am On the verge of finally falling asleep, Noah wakes up again. I, again, trek downstairs in the cold house. Nurse him. Put him in his crib. He commences to scream hysterically. I go upstairs, thinking "Eh..maybe he'll only cry for a minute."

3:58am Noah's still screaming. I start crying. Grant wakes up. I cry to him about how hard it is to be a mom. (Remember this moment...It will be very ironic around 9:00am.) Grant consoles me. Mommy meltdown continues.

4:06am The alarm on my defibrillator goes off. The one that sounds like a European siren. The one that goes off if something is wrong with the device. The one that went off almost exactly three years ago that meant my wire was broken and I had to have surgery. Mommy meltdown turns into total heart patient freak out. Grant's consoling turns into frantic prayers for me to calm down. Especially if my defibrillator is not functioning, I can't be this upset. "God we need you to show up." I think that was his whole prayer.

4:08 Somewhat calmer. God shows up and calms me down. Grant takes the day off. I call and wake up my mom. She takes the day off.

4:30am Email the fantastic Dr. Knilans the whole situation.

4:30-6:50 Play Cut the Rope on the Ipad, read, watch tv, etc. Anything to not fall asleep. The device can give inappropriate shocks when the wire is fractured, and I did NOT want to wake up to that. Or, God forbid, not wake up.

5:00am Alarm sounds again.

6:55am Dr. Knilans calls. He tells me to do a phone transmission.

7:05am Arrive at my parents to use their landline to send the phone transmission. (I have a cool device that I place over my defibrillator, connect it to the phone line, and it sends all of the data directly to my doctor.)

7:15am Dr. Knilans calls. (Have I mentioned that I love him?!?) His first words? "It's no big deal." Whew. Apparently it WAS my wire. The device runs checks on my wires (of which there are two) every night. The lead impedence was 1016. The alarm was set to go off if the impedence went over 1000 ohms. The setting was too low. 2 or 3 weeks ago when I was in the office for a device check, it was 992. I run right around 1000 all the time. The fact that it took this long to trip the alarm is somewhat amazing. And actually, a higher number is better. There are just parameters in place because if a wire fracture DOES occur, the ohms skyrocket.

8:30am Leave our house to go to College Hill Presbyterian to set up for Strategy for Mothers (I'm the director.) I still haven't been back to sleep since 2:30am. Missi Kershner (life-saver that she is) meets me there to help me.

9:30am Start off the SFM meeting and enjoy meeting with the moms to discuss--here's the ironic part--Gratitude in Motherhood. How grateful was I feeling at 3:58am?? Oh--that's right. I wasn't feeling grateful at all. I wanted my sleep. I wanted my children to sleep. Ah--how the Lord loves to teach us. More about that later.

10:15am Leave SFM meeting early to go to Childrens Hospital for my "tune up." The fantastic nurse comes out approximately a minute and half after my unscheduled arrival (Dr. Knilans told me to come whenever I wanted to) and changes my parameters on my device. The whole thing takes about 10 minutes. She tells me that I'm the first one to have this happen to. And now, because of this, they're going to change all of the patients parameters instead of leaving them on the factory settings. Just one of MANY things that have changed as a result of me in the land of defibrillators. More on that later.

11:00am Arrive home. Have lunch and snuggle my boys.

11:45-3:30pm Sleep. Glorious sleep. In my bed. Alone. Quiet. Ah. Have I mentioned I LOVE my husband? He morphs from Super-husband and Super-Dad into Totally-Awesome-I'm-Going-To-Completely-Take-Care-Of-My-Wife-And-Kids-Mode at the drop of a hat. Or at the sounding of a siren alarm from your wife's implanted heart device at 4am in your dark bedroom. You know. Either one.

3:30pm Wake up and get dressed for work.

4:45-9:30pm Teach 7 dance classes. (2 ballet, 2 jazz, 2 lyrical and 1 tap)

10:00pm Arrive home. Check on my sleeping kids. Kiss them. Reflect on how grateful I am to be their mom and to be home with them and NOT in some hospital getting a new wire. Love on my husband. Tell him I love him and appreciate him.

10:30pm Get in bed.

2:30am Noah wakes up with a high fever....here we go again! :)

So there you have it. A 24 hour snapshot into my life. As a mom, defibrillator patient, director of SFM, wife, dance teacher, child of God. So what did this fantastic day teach me?? Well, lets see.

Number 1--God often uses our times of being the most broken to show us our need for Him. I was in a not-so-pleasant moment of motherhood. Approximately 5 hours before I had to show up and lead 27 other women in the topic of Gratitude in Motherhood. Irony? God keeping me humble? God showing me that I don't have to have it all together? God showing me that motherhood is HARD. We moms have to stick together. That's why Strategy for Mothers is important. That's why God has given me a heart to serve other moms. Motherhood can break us. And God can use those pieces to shape us into the mothers and followers of Him that HE would like us to be.

Number 2--God shows up when we need him to. My heart rate was off the charts, I was hyperventilating. But He showed up and calmed me down. I immediately was able to breathe and think somewhat rationally. I immediately was able to come up with a plan of action. Also--a quick side note. God does not cause illness or injury. God did not cause me to have to have a defibrillator. He did not cause my heart disease. He did not cause my alarm to go off. Satan gives illness and injury. God was hurting WITH me. God showed up to hold me in that moment. It is not of Him. He is holy and pure. But He WILL use the illness and injury to make sure that his glory is revealed. Which is why I share this whole thing with you all.

Number 3--I don't know how people live without God and a church family. Within about 15 or 20 minutes of this happening I had emails sent out to our small group and other people that we know to have them pray. It brought me a lot of comfort. I had people willing to take over the SFM meeting, bring us dinner, watch the boys, take off work, pray, etc. That is just invaluable to me.

Number 4: I do love to be a mom. It's hard. It's sometimes thankless. But, faced with the possibility of having to spend time away from my boys (in the hospital), I realized the magnitude of my love. I can't imagine not being with them. I love them. I need their snuggles and giggles to get me through the day. My mommy-meltdown was quickly overshadowed by an intense desire to have the privledge of continuing to mother them.

Number 5--While I can sometimes look normal, act normal, and even think that I'm normal, I'm just one short siren alarm away from life turning upside down. As, in reality, we all are. I should have cherished that 2:30 and 3:45am nursing session with Noah. What if it had been my last? I often wish for him to sleep through the night, but really, what's bad about spending a few precious moments snuggling with a sleepy boy in a dark room??

Number 6--It was reconfirmed to me why I have a heart disease. I was the first pediatric defibrillator patient in the whole tristate area. The doctors learned not to place the wires under the rib cage after doing that with my first implantation. (The wires snapped a year and a half later.) Because of that incident, when I was without defibrillator protection for 18 days, Medtronic started putting audible alarms on the devices for different things. Like a wire snapping. The pacemaker clinic at Childrens started putting all the device alarm settings on Standard time (instead of daylight savings time) after I thought I heard my alarm one time and we couldn't figure out which time it was set for. And now, the pacemaker clinic is going to start changing the lead impedence parameters on all devices because of this last incident.

Here's the thing. NONE of those things were pleasant. In fact, some of them were awful. But, I had God holding me through it all. I had my family. My family had their church family. I would rather be the "guinea pig" and have the doctors learn and discover things through me than through someone else who doesn't have such a support system. Someone who doesn't know God. Someone who would doubt God's goodness because of some of those trials. All of those things have caused me to lean more heavily on God. Have caused me to trust MORE in God's goodness.

So, bring it on. To quote my fabulous CincinnatiMommies.com group: "You can't scare me. I'm a mommy." And to add to that...I'm also a child of God.

"I Heal Jesus? Please, Mommy?"

*Driving in the Car*

Alex: Mom--look at those clouds! They beautiful!"

Me: They are beautiful!

A: I want to touch them.

M: Well, they're too high to touch.

A: How bout I get a ladder? Then I touch them?

M: That's a good idea! But they're sooo high, even a ladder won't work.

A: How bout I fly up there? Then I touch them and I see Jesus!

M: That would work! That sounds good!

A: Mommy--I heal Jesus?

M: You hear him? (Internally thinking WHAT?!?)

A: No, Mommy. Heal. I give Jesus banb-bades? (Bandaids)

M: You want to heal Jesus and give him bandaids??

A: Yea! Please Mommy?? I heal Jesus? Please??

M: Why does Jesus need bandaids?

A: He have boo-boos.

M: He does?? Where?

A: ALL over his body.

M: He does? How do you know this?

A: He show me.

M: He showed you.

A: Yea! Please Mommy?? I heal him?? Please?

M: When did Jesus show you?

A: He come my room and show me.

M: When did he come to your room?

A: When I pray, Jesus come to my room.

M: What do you do when Jesus comes to your room?

A: We dance and sing. *Changes subject*

Hmmmmm.....Clearly they don't cover the fact that Jesus has wounds in the two year old Sunday School class. So I can only conclude that yes, Jesus visits my son's room and dances and sings with him. On a regular basis. Thank you, Jesus, for loving my boy and being real to him! When my mom was asking Alex about this conversation, Alex also told her that Jesus' daddy also comes to his room. She asked him who that was, and he said "God!" :)

First Meeting with the Cardiomyopathy Group

Noah had his first appointment with the Cardiomyopathy group at Children's Hospital last Thursday. It's taken me a full week to process all of the information that we received. It was a very intense visit. But very good! I really like Dr. Towbin and his whole team.

We arrived at 7:15am. (Thank you to Aunt Lynne! She came to our house super bright and early to hang out with Alex!) Noah had an EKG, height and weight. We talked with a nurse for a few minutes and then a genetic counselor came in. She spent about 20 or 30 minutes with us. She explained more about how the genetics work in relation to this disease. Then she drew my entire family tree. We talked through 4 generations of my family on each side. She then left to meet with the team. We waited for about 20 minutes while she did that.

Then, Dr. Towbin, a genetic Cardiologist (I can't remember her name!), the genetic counselor, and the Clinic Manager all came in the room. Dr. Towbin pulled a chair up right in front of Grant and I. He sat there and talked to us for the next hour. Then the genetic doctor talked for about 20 minutes. Then we asked a few questions. They listened to Noah's heart (while he snored away in Grant's arms!) and then we were done. It was very heavy on the informative side. They already had a ton of information from all of the testing that Noah's gone through this summer, so it was a meeting to get all of us on the same page.

So....here's where we stand. Noah is classified as having a mild-moderate case of hypertropic cardiomyopathy (HCM). He will see Dr. Towbin every six months. He will have an echo and EKG at every appointment. At one appointment every year he will wear a holter monitor for 24 hours. At the other appointment during the year he will do a treadmill test--when he's old enough to do that. He will need to be on his beta blocker indefinitely. He is not allowed to play competitive sports. He is not allowed to have decongestants, caffeine or other stimulants. And we watch and we wait.

Now, for some background on the disease. When Dr. Towbin first started focusing on the disease back in the 80's, the morbidity rate was 6% every year. So 6% of the patients who had HCM would die every year. So, within about 15 years all of the patients you started with would be dead. Fun times. Just what every mother wants to hear. Well---GOOD news. That study was flawed. It was based on the center where all of the worst cases were sent. A more accurate, current figure is .1% per year. It's still higher than the morbidity rate for the total population, but it's MUCH better than 6%. Of course, a slight problem is that the study is based off of the people known to have the disease. Usually, the first symptom is death. I'm just grateful we know. Anyway, with that 6% figure in his mind, Dr. Towbin treated his patients very aggresively. He used to have a personal rule that he would not leave a patient's room until every person in there was crying. He wanted people to understand the severity of the disease and the importance of following his advice. Over the years he has developed a standard of care. His patients follow his standard. There's really not a lot of room for deviation. You are on beta blockers. You do not do competitive sports. You don't take stimulants, caffeine, etc. You come in for the necessary tests at necessary intervals. Under his standard of care, the morbidity rate at Children's for HCM patients is very close to 0%. Now THAT's what this mama wants to hear! Oh, and guess what. Guess which hospital is the best for this disease and gets sent all of the worst cases? Cincinnati Children's Hospital.

As far as the genetics go, here's a brief recap: Every person has two copies of tropomyosin in their DNA. One from their father and one from their mother. One of my copies is flawed. When I have a child, I pass down one of my copies. Either the perfect one or the flawed one. So my kids have a 50% chance of having the genetic mutation. If Alex ends up being fine. His future children are also fine. If, let's say, I got the flawed copy from my mom, we would test her brother and sister. If her sister is fine, then there is no need to test her daughters or her daughter's children or future grandchildren. They would be in the clear. Now, if someone DOES have the mutation it does not mean that they will develop the disease. It means that they have the possibility/ability/likelihood to develop it. And it does not mean that they will have it to the same degree of severity that I do or that Noah does. So, if a family member comes back with a positive genetic test, they will have to undergo some cardiac testing and most likely be monitored on a periodic basis.

We learned alot about how the heart operates. We learned alot about how it operates differently with HCM. We learned about different complications that could occur. It was all good to know and difficult to hear. I'm not going to go into it all. Because, well for one, it's kindof a blur. I think I blocked some of it. For two, none of it has happened yet. And here's hoping it stays that way.

So, to finish, we really like the group we will be seeing. (I am transfering my care back to Children's with a Dr. Jeffries who is duel certified in peds and adults.) We are waiting to find out when our next appointments are. And until then, we watch, wait and pray.

A Note From Daddy

Grant had to start back to work today. I woke up to a note pulled up on the computer with 10 reasons why he's thankful for each of me and the boys. Alex and Noah, here are some of the reasons Daddy loves you today!

Noah

1. How your body kind of jiggles when you run.
2. How you use an elephant noise for every animal
3. Your growing obsession with the lawn mower! J
4. How cute you are!
5. How your feet are stinky when you wear your sandals…impressive!
6. How smart you are!
7. Destruct-a-baby
8. Your crazy face during dinner.
9. Singing “Glory to God”
10. Your tooth brushing obsession
11. How you clean up all of our shoes

Alex

1. How smart you are

2. How you sing to God

3. Crazy naked running before tubby

4. Lawnmower obsession

5. Crankiness when you wake up…definitely your mother’s child!

6. Writing your name and other letters

7. Snuggie-time

8. Building towers in the basement

9. How you build things at Home Depot

10. How you pick flowers for your mom whenever you are outside

Proud Mom Moment

Alex tried to write his own name today :) He's been writing "letters" for awhile now. An O, or an A, or a T (He calls it a cross), or an H. Today he was drawing and said to me excitedly, "I write my own name!" And sure enough, he almost did! It looked something like this:

X t A l

I prompted him to write an E, and then it looked like this:

X t A l

E

Alex. All the letters are there...with a cross thrown in for good measure. I'm so proud of my boy! He is just learning and growing by leaps and bounds. I haven't taught him how to write an E or an X. He just did it. He amazes me. I love you XtAlE :)

Good news

We found out some good news today. The genetic testing that I did back in June came back positive. They were able to isolate the genetic mutation that I have. (It's a protein called Tropomyosin.) This is really good news. Right now medical science has only found about half of the genetic mutations for cardiomyopathy. So it was about 50/50 if they would be able to locate mine. Thankfully, they did. Now we can go about systematically testing the family to see if anyone else has the gene. The first step is to do Alex and Noah, my three nephews and my parents. The scary thing is that if you have the gene, you have a 50/50 chance of passing it on. So chances are that there are others in my family who have the disease without knowing it. We're testing the boys to make sure that no one other than Noah has it. We're testing my parents to see if we can determine which side of the family it came from. If, for example, it came from my mom's side, then we would test her brother and sister, and then if any of those came back positive, then their kids and so on. So we could potentially be testing a LOT of people. The awesome part is that everyone will have a definitive "YES" or "NO." They will know how closely they need to be monitored and if they have to monitor their kids, or if they can breathe easy. Which is huge. Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy is a scary disease. It's the number one killer of young athletes. You can look totally normal, act totally normal, and one day, just fall over in cardiac arrest. (What happened to me.) So KNOWING is HUGE.

So, all of you prayer warriors out there...I need you to pray again. God has totally been one step ahead of us in this whole process. We prayed for clarity...and this situation gets clearer every time we see or talk to a doctor. Now we need to pray that this disease is NOT present in the rest of my extended family. God is bigger than statistics. So what if, statistically, at least one of my nephews, an aunt or an uncle, and several cousins SHOULD have this disease?? Let's pray for "NOs" across the board. Let's pray that only Noah and I have the gene. Let's pray for God to show up (again) big time. He keeps blowing us out of the water. He keeps proving time and time again that He is here, He's listening, and He loves us. This time it was in the form of a positive genetic test--we have more clarity and the ability to gain even more clarity on who is affected. Now we need God to show up and give us negative tests.

Thank you for your prayers and your love!

By the way--Noah goes this Thursday back to Children's for an appointment with the cardiomyopathy group. He'll see a geneticist, Dr. Tobin (one of the heads of the whole department) and an elecrophysiologist. Hopefully we'll find out more about Noah's status then and I'll have more updates!

Flying Under the Radar?

Grant and I are currently taking a class at church to become Small Group Leaders. The class has been great so far. Last Tuesday night the focus was on prayer and leading a time of ministry in a small group. The group taking the class spent some time in ministry. We sang two songs and then spent some quiet time just listening for God. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't in the "moment." I was tired and just not really feeling it. I even prayed "God--just let me fly under the radar. I'll be here and be happy to pray for someone else, but let me just fly under the radar." Yep--that was me. When the group leader asked if anyone heard anything a few people shared. Then Dustin, a good friend, looked at me and said something to the effect of:

"Sarah, you were on my mind the whole way through the singing. I kept thinking it was just me doing it, but it just kept coming back. And--it's going to be ok."

Way to fly under the radar, huh? I became the only person called out by name. I guess God wanted my attention. Well, He had it. I immediately began to cry. We finished sharing and broke up into groups to pray. The women in the group gathered around me. They all actually knew most of what was going on with Noah. I told them that I was actually doing okay with Noah's heart issues. I was trusting God and in a pretty good place. I felt that God speaking through Dustin was almost a confirmation that God was still with us and that "it's going to be ok." I also shared that my heart had changed, but that I didn't really know much about it, as my focus has been Noah. The ladies felt that they could pray for MY heart. Huh. Didn't see that one coming. See, I don't like to ask for prayer for my heart. Call it pride, call it shame, call it fear...I don't fully know what it is. I think at the root of it, I don't mind my heart condition. Truly. It can be a pain in the rear at times, for sure, but ultimately, every time something happens with my heart God is glorified. So is it even RIGHT to ask for healing?? And, if I even were to be healed, what would change? I would still have a defibrillator as a safety measure. I already live a relatively "normal" life. I don't know what it is, but it's an issue I have had and I'm working on it. Apparently, God wanted to speed up the process.

My good friend, Jo, placed her hand on my heart and they began to pray for me. I felt tingly all over my body and a few shooting pains in my heart. They finished praying and I shared what I had felt. The group leader, Laurie, took over at that point and began to pray again. I had more of the shooting pains in my heart. Then my entire body started to burn up. I got very, very hot. To the point that I began to sweat. Everywhere. When Laurie finished praying, she shared that she was very hot and sweaty as well. Meanwhile, the other ladies were cold. (I actually had a sweater on at the time--yes, in August, because the room was so cold.) Jo shared with me that my chest, under her hand, was really hot the whole time during the prayer.

So...what does that all mean??? I know for sure that it means God was present in that room, at that time, in my body. I know for sure that God wanted me to feel His presence and power. I don't know if He healed my heart. I don't really care if He healed my heart. Because healed or not, He'll be there every step of the way. Taking me out of my comfort zone. Letting me know in no uncertain terms when it's not my turn to fly under the radar.

Short Update

Noah's EP study went well today. They were unable to induce any arrhythmias during the testing. It appears that he does not have any electrical problems with his heart at this time. He does not need a defibrillator right now. Yay! That's the really really good news. Unfortunately, the hypertrophic cardiomyopathy is definitely manifesting in the structure of his heart. We already knew that the ventricular septum was showing signs of thickening. During the EP study they also checked the pressures in different areas of his heart. The pressure in his left ventricle (the main pump of the heart) is elevated. It was a 12 today, and should be around a 6. When that happens it stresses the left atria. His is already a little enlarged. His mitral valve is not distorted, yet, but it is moving forward slightly into the aortic valve. Right now, he is ok. But, Dr. Knilans is concerned that he's showing such significant signs of the disease at such a young age. Especially since I did not exhibit any signs until age 12 and no structural signs until just now. He threw out some pretty scary terms and scenarios. Such as surgery to take out the enlarged part of his heart or simulating a heart attack in part of his heart to kill off the enlarged part. Such as a mitral valve replacement if necessary, a heart transplant if necessary. Whoa. Now, we are in no way headed that direction right now. But Dr. Knilans felt the need to answer my question (what could this progress to?) completely, and I appreciate that. No one can know how his heart is going to change and grow. This could be as bad as his heart ever gets. Here's hoping.

Noah will need to be monitored fairly often. Right now the plan is to see Dr. Knilans in a week, see the Cardiomyopathy team at Children's the week after that, have another echo in about 3 or 4 months, do a 24 hour holter monitor every so often and probably another EP study in a few years. He is also starting beta blockers tomorrow.

Well, that's the scientific, medical explanation. We felt covered in prayer today. I never felt out of control, scared, etc. I wasn't exactly peaceful--but more numb. And that's ok. We made it through. Noah was amazing. He had to lay totally flat with out bending his legs for 4 hours. After some agitation for the first hour or so, he laid still, giggled, played, smiled, learned a few new tricks, ate pizza, applesauce, crackers, nursed, drank apple juice and was just amazing. He did SO much better than we thought he would. We actually had fun with him. And I think he enjoyed the undivided attention from both Mommy and Daddy AND Ma. :)

Our prayers were answered. We all prayed for a clear decision. It was very clear that he does NOT need a defibrillator. Which is much better than the alternative clear decision of definitely needing a defibrillator. Now, if you don't mind, we need your prayers again. We need you to pray for his heart. Pray that it stops thickening. Pray that the pressure in his ventricle goes down. Pray that he doesn't need any surgeries in the future. Pray that his heart becomes whole and normal.

Thank you. Our boy is so precious to us and we are so thankful for your prayers!

(By the way--I apologize if this is unclear or confusing. I'm operating on very little sleep and I'm emotionally exhausted as well!)

Sweet Moments

We had a few really sweet moments as a family today. After the church service was over this morning, we grabbed the boys from Sunday School and brought them into "big church" to pray for Noah. Laurie, our pastor's wife, 2 friends, my parents, Grant, Alex and I all circled around Noah. I told Alex that we were going to pray for Noah and that when we do that we touch the person. He reached his little hand out and placed it right on Noah's back and held it there while we prayed. The visual of his little hand on his brother's back will stick with me forever. Noah soon got squirmy and leapt from one person's arms to another's. At one point Grant was holding both boys. They were giggling and hugging one another and we just kept praying over Noah. Alex said "I love you" just plain out of the blue. It was a sweet moment, and also a powerful one. I want my boys to grow up knowing the power of God, the power of prayer, the power of faith. I want to live out our faith with them and have them walk this journey with us.

Since that is our goal, I explained things a little more to Alex tonight as we were walking to the Greek Festival. He was sad that we couldn't go to Gramee and Papa's house (even though they are coming here on Wednesday!), and I was explaining that Noah's heart is "sick," and that we're not going anywhere until we "fix" his heart. We then talked about how big God is and how strong. That we pray for people when they're sick, and we trust God to help them. That when we place hands on someone and pray that God sends his power. So, about an hour later, Grant was carrying Alex home from the festival, and talking about how heavy he was and how big he was getting. Alex said "I get bigger and bigger and bigger. And then I be tall like Jesus!" :)

Also--most importantly, we found out on Friday evening that Alex's echo was normal. His heart is structurally fine, and his EKG is within the normal range for now. It appears that he does not have HCM. Grant and I are relieved and thankful, but I think we are also guarding our hearts. I won't be totally relieved and feel he's out of the woods until we get a positive genetic match, are able to test him and find out for sure that he's in the clear. But, for now, we are happy. I am so glad that we are not going to be going through extensive testing with both boys at this point, making tough decisions with both boys. One is more than enough.

Thank you for your prayers! If you're praying for us, and feel comfortable with it, please write your prayer in the comments of this post. I would love to see them and also be able to see God move. I think it's so powerful to have written prayers and then be able to go back and see how God has answered them. Thank you!

Adoption Update

We got a letter in the mail that our Home Study was officially approved on June 14, 2011. It is good until June 14, 2013. At which point we would need to do an update to our Home Study if we haven't yet been placed with a child. We could also update it by June 14, 2015, and it would expire in 2017.

It's a relief to know that we've been officially approved. But honestly, the adoption has been on the back burner in light of all the cardiology stuff going on with the boys and myself. I couldn't imagine bringing a newborn into the mix right now. I've been a little confused, because we really sensed that the timing was right to begin the process. But as I was chatting with a dear friend the other night, it came to me. God's timing is always perfect. Perhaps His plan was for us to get the Home Study completely out of the way before this trying time, so that we could focus our time and energy on our boys. And then, all we have to do is anticipate the blessing of our daughter. We turned our final paperwork in on June 1st and found out about Noah's heart on June 7th. So for now, we trust and we wait.

Tomorrow....

Tomorrow we take Alex to Children's for his echo. Hopefully his heart will be fine. Thank you all so much for your prayers! We feel them, and they are helping. Keep 'em coming :)

I read a quote today: "Sometimes God calms the storm, other times He calms His child." So far, the storm has kept on coming. But yet, somehow, most of the time, I've been pretty calm. The only explanation is that God has given me His peace, that passes all understanding.

I'll try and update tomorrow or the day after when we hear from Dr. Knilans about Alex's heart.

Update

Tuesday, June 7th We went to Noah's annual cardiology appointment expecting it to be a super quick, in and out kind of thing. Noah did great with his EKG and sat perfectly still for it. We waited for Dr. Knilans and goofed off in the exam room. He came in and talked with us and played around with Noah. He listened to his heart and told us (again) that he thought his holes in his heart had closed. Then he said "Well, I wish I could just get up and walk out of this room right now, but I can't." And I just knew. Noah's EKG, which was normal last June (when he was 1 month old), was 5 times worse. The Q wave is as deep now, or deeper than mine. Which mine is really bad. SO....not good. Dr. Knilans told us that the first step was for Noah to have an echo, to double check on the holes, and double check that there's nothing wrong with his heart structurally. He also said that we would probably start him on beta blockers. I asked about doing an EP study (electrophysiology study) and he essentially said he didn't want to do it, because he didn't want to know the results if they were bad, because he didn't want to have to give Noah a defibrillator. Poor, sweet Dr. Knilans. He looked at me and said "Of all the people in the world, you're one of the few that can actually weigh the benefits and risks of having a defibrillator." So, he gave Grant and I a lot of control in the decision making process. I did ask if Dr. Knilans had any intentions to retire in the next 20 years. His answer?? "Not anymore!! And I think you're also responsible for some of these gray hairs!" :) When all was said that could be said at that point, Dr. Knilans looked at me and just said "I'm sorry." Ahh. We went home from that appointment with heavy hearts weighted down with future decisions.

Grant and I decided pretty quickly, I think even late that Tuesday night, that we wanted to go ahead and schedule an EP study for Noah. We figure information is power. We wanted to know. Know if his heart would be quick to freak out like mine. Know if his heart would be basically "normal" functioning like my brother's. We figure we can make the hard decisions, as in defibrillator or not, when and if we have to. We'd rather know just how bad his heart is.

Tuesday, June 14th Noah had his echo. We had to stop feeding him at 4am, and be to the hospital by 7:30. Our little bugaboo was in happy spirits and charmed all of the nurses. He ran around the hospital room and played catch with a ball, naked except for a diaper, and knew no fear. They gave him an oral sedative, and it took him about 25 minutes to fall asleep. About 10 minutes in, he got really agitated. He fought falling asleep by crying, flailing and stiffening his whole body. It was really rough. It took both of us to hold him. He finally gave in. We laid him down on the table and watched as they hooked him all up and did the echo. It took about 15 minutes for the test. As they unhooked him, he woke up. I nursed him right away and he passed out again. We were cleared to leave, brought him home and the three of us, (Grant, Noah and I) took a nap for 3 hours. Poor Noah didn't move the whole 3 hours. He was "drunk" the rest of the day. He couldn't even take 2 steps without falling down. The crazy kid just kept trying to walk! We eventually had to just buckle him into the car, a grocery cart, a stroller, just to keep him from hurting himself. It made for a very long day.

Dr. Knilans called that evening to tell us the results. His echo showed a thickening of the ventricular septum. The piece of muscle between the two ventricles. This is consistent with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. This disease was never really considered as my own diagnosis because my heart was structurally perfect. Cardiomyopathy, in every form, consists of a thickening of the heart muscle. The hypertrophic kind deals with the ventricles, the ventricular septum and tends to result in deep Q waves on EKGs. It has a strong genetic component. It appears that this is our family's diagnosis. It is a big relief. For almost 17 years, I've had a generic label for my condition. It's been called Primary Electrical Disease. My EKG was so funky, Dr. Knilans had never seen anything else like it. We finally have a "real" diagnosis. It's actualy semi-common. HCM is the number one killer of young athletes. The first symptom is usually death. Like my first symptom. We are incredibly lucky to know about Noah's condition before he experiences a cardiac arrest episode.

The next steps included having me have another echo, to double check my heart, and having the EP study for Noah.

Friday, June 17th I had my echo and EKG at Children's this morning. Dr. Knilans called this evening to tell me my results. Apparently I now am showing some thickening in my ventricular septum as well. The last echo Dr. Knilans had was from 1999. That one was fine. I had another echo around 2006, with my adult doctor. The results were fine, but Dr. Knilans hasn't seen it yet to look specifically at it. Nothing really changes for me. I already have my defibrillator. It kinda stinks to know that I can't claim a "perfect" heart anymore. We now have further clarification that HCM is our family's diagnosis. Our next step is for Alex to have an echo. He's never had one. I am also going to do a blood draw for genetic testing. In about 50% of cardiomyopathy cases they are able to isolate the mutation. If they are able to do so in my case, then we'll be able to test Alex, my parents, my nephews, and even my cousins and have a definitive yes or no for if they have the disease.

Well...that's the story so far. We'll know more after Alex's echo--which will hopefully be soon. We'll know more after the genetic testing--which will take 6-8 weeks. And we'll know a LOT more after Noah's EP Study--which is June 30th.

I don't know if I'll be able to articulate how I'm feeling about everything. For one, grateful. Grateful for all of the support. We've shared with family, a few close friends, and that's about it. Everyone we've shared with has had wisdom for us. And overall, support. We've had so many people willing to cry with us, hug us, pray for us, watch Alex, listen, etc. It's truly amazing. I'm grateful for Dr. Knilans. I trust him so much. I'm grateful for modern medicine. I'm grateful for my sweet baby boy. He won't let anything get him down. He'll fight through however much he needs to.

I'm also devastated. Devastated that Noah has to go through a lifetime of testing. Devastated that I gave this to him. Devastated that he might have to have a painful surgery. I can't quite even go there yet.

I also feel peaceful. God is working. God is here. He's holding Noah. He loves Noah even more than I do. We've asked for everyone to pray for clarity. We've prayed for clarity. We've asked for clear decisions. God has answered. We have more clarity now than we've had for the past almost 17 years. Each step of the way, so far, has felt logical and like an easy decision. Of course, the hardest decision is still in front of us.

So, I ask you to pray. I feel so torn. Overall, I want God's will to be done. This disease is not of God. God does not bring death and disease. God did not want Noah to go through this. Nor did he put Noah through this. But God WILL be glorified through this. He WILL work this for HIS good. I want to pray audaciously. I want to pray for healing. I want to pray for zero pain for Noah. I want to pray for this all to be over. But, I sense that it's not. I sense it's just beginning. And that we most likely have a long road ahead of us. And that's ok. God will sustain Noah as he's sustained me. God will continue to bring his presence into our family and will continue to work through the situation. If you feel called to pray audaciously, please do. Please pray for peace, wisdom, clarity and healing. Pray that God's beauty will shine through. Pray for sweet Noah. Thank you so much.

Something Beautiful NeedToBreathe

This song has really been speaking to me about our adoption. About trusting God, wading into his goodness. Not knowing how deep into this we're going to get. Not knowing exactly HOW much we're going to have to lean on God and on each other. Knowing I want MORE of God, but still scared to let go. Waiting for something beautiful, specifically my daughter. Knowing she's out there and she's beautiful and God has made her specifically for our family.

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep

I feel the waves crashin' on my feet

It's like I know where I need to be

But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe

When your tide rushes over me

There's only one way to figure out

Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire

Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful

To touch me, I know that I'm in reach

'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful

Oh,Oh,Oh something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick

And for years I was scared of it

We can't be sure when it will subside

So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire

Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful

To touch me, I know that I'm in reach

'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful

Oh,Oh,Oh Something Beautiful

Oh,Oh,Oh Something Beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this

I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful

When I wake up, and all i want i have

You know it's still not what i need something beautiful

Hey now, this is my desire

Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful

To touch me, I know that I'm in reach

'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful

Oh,Oh,Oh something beautiful

And the Waiting Begins....

We are now 100% done with our home study for our adoption! Here's a quick overview of what we've done:

April 3rd: Grant and I agreed to start the adoption process and find an agency

April 4th: Talked to several agencies on the phone and researched online

April 11th: Completed our Application for Child Placement (state form), Signed the Adoptive Parent Contract, Signed the Adoption Fee Agreement, and Filled out our Self-Study Documents at Grant's birthday dinner at Biagio's :)

April 12th: Dropped off all of the above forms at Adoption Professionals, provided drivers licenses and social security cards, and received our first home study book to read ("Dear Birthmother").

April 23rd: 1st Home Study visit with our social worker, Laura. (3 hour interview about our marriage, our relationship, our families, work history, education history, residential history, finances, etc. and a walk-through of our house)

April 30th: 3 hour Cultural Class at Adoption Professionals

May 12th: 2nd Home Study visit (1.5 hour individual interviews with both of us)

May 26th: 3rd Home Study visit (Safety Audit)

June 1st: Dropped off our Profile books to Adoption Professionals

The documentation we had to provide during the Home Study process included:

~Copy of our marriage license

~Copy of our car insurance cards

~Financial Statement

~Ohio BCII Fingerprints and FBI fingerprints

~Local Criminal Background Check

~Medical Statement for all 4 of us

~Fire Inspection

~Fire Evacuation Plan and Emergency Numbers posted in our house

~Discussion questions for 3 books (Dear Birthmother, Raising Adoptive Children, Being Adopted)

~Child Characteristics Checklist (a 5 or 6 page list of what we will consider for our child to have, such as medical conditions, family medical conditions, fetal alcohol syndrome, age, gender, etc.)

So now, we wait. Our social worker is supposed to finish typing up our home study this week and mail it in to the agency. They have to send our information off to a certain state registry to check on us, then we will be approved. Our profile books can now be shown to birthmothers, we can meet with birthmothers and even be chosen by a birthmother. We just can't actually be placed (as in take a child into our home) until the official approval comes through.

It has been a quick, crazy, emotional, detailed process so far. In some senses, the hard part is over. We've been interrogated, inspected, documented and examined. All of that is over. But, in another way, the hard part is starting. Just waiting for the phone to ring. Hoping and trusting God that baby sister is going to come at the perfect time.

Noah is 1!!

My baby boy turned one this past week! It's so hard to believe a year has already gone past. Here are some of his accomplishments at a year old:

~Signs: more, milk, all done

~Will run down the hall to the bathroom if you say either "potty" or "tubby"

~Will run and lay down on the floor if you either show him a diaper or say "lets change your bumski!" :)

~Will run to the door to go bye bye

~Will run to the basement door to go downstairs

~Can climb up on top of the dining room chairs and table

~Can climb up on brother's bed (and get his leg stuck in the bed rail!)

~Dances fantastically :)

~Loves frozen blueberries, graham crackers, drinking (and blowing bubbles) from a straw, pancakes,yogurt and cheese

~Is known as "Destructababy" for his ability to dump baskets of toys, empty laundry baskets, dump whole boxes of cereal, bags of chips, dresser drawers, etc. in about 5 seconds flat.

~Is showing lots of interest in books just recently and will bring books over and then climb up to sit and listen

~Is very stubborn. He can be redirected 12 times and still head for what he wants to do. He can even nap, and then wake up and head right back for what he wants.

~Holds cell phones (both toys and real ones) up to his ear and talks into them

~Is a Mama's boy that is starting to make the switch to daddy

Destructababy!

Doctor's Visit Stats:

24.75 pounds (75%)

30.75 inches (77%)

Birthday Celebrations

On Thursday, the 28th, we had a fun day. I made the birthday boy pancakes for breakfast. We then played outside for a long time. He took an awesome nap after lunch. We made a trip to Target for some last minute birthday supplies. Then Ma and Pa came over for dinner (we ordered LaRosa's pizza and salads). I had been sick the day before, so I totally forgot to buy eggs at the store to make cupcakes for his birthday. Thankfully, Aunt Kelly mailed some awesome gourmet cupcakes and they arrived on his birthday! So Noah got to eat a vanilla bean cupcake specially sent by his Aunt Kelly after dinner. We left the sugared up, filthy, cake-covered boys with Ma and Pa and Grant and I went to orientation for Alex's preschool.

On Sunday, May 1st, we had his first birthday party. Everything turned out great! Aunt Marie and I got creative the night before with the decorations, and Steph's Sweets did an awesome job on his cake. We had a lot of family and close friends come out and celebrate his birthday. Noah seemed to enjoy the party and loved smashing the cake into his mouth and squishing it in his hands. :)

Brotherly Love and Bedtime Prayers

Brotherly Love....

(Riding in the car)

Alex: Hi Baby!

Noah: *giggles*

Me: You love your baby brother, don't you??

Alex: Yeah!

*Pause*

Alex: I really love lawnmowers!

Bedtime Prayers

Alex: God thank you for lawnmowers, weed whackers and blowers.

Me: Thank you for Mommy and....

Alex: Buster!

Me: and Baby Noah and....

Alex: Daddy! You say Lawnmowers Mommy!

Me: YOU already prayed for lawnmowers! :)

More Buster-isms :)

Whenever Alex pulls one arm out of a sleeve he says "I'm chicken soup!" NO idea where that one came from!

"Why?" Repeat a thousand times.

"I don't WANT to go bye bye." or "I don't WANT to go home." Every time we get in the car. And then he's happy to be wherever we are.

"I don't WANT to go home. I sleep Home Depot." Said upon pulling out of Home Depot's parking lot.

Me: "Alex, Mommy's starting to get impatient with you. Come here!" (Said very calmly, I might add!)

Alex: "No you not! You freaking out!"

Me: "WHAT?!?! I'm not freaking out!"

Alex: "Yea you are! You crazy!"

Again--NO idea where he came up with that!

"That so awesome!"

"That super cool!"

Car Conversation

Alex: I fly in an airplane.

Me: You're going to fly in an airplane??

Alex: Yea! See Jesus!

Me: You're going to fly in an airplane to see Jesus?

Alex: Yea.

Me: Why?

Alex: I NEED him.

Me: You need him?

Alex: Yea.

Me: Why do you need Jesus?

Alex: Cause I like him.

:)

Life with boys

Alex got a Target toy catalog out of the mailbox today. About three pages in he found a bubble lawnmower. He is now fixated on the lawnmower. The catalog had to go in the car with us, eat dinner with us, etc. He would flip out if you tried to turn the page. His comments were hilarious though.

"I pick this! My birthday! Mommy--my birthday!!"

"I NEED this. My green mower no work so well. This work SO well. I need this one."

"My green mower no batt-ries. No work."

He put the catalog on a porch chair and stood looking out at the grass. Then he would come back to look at the mower, then go look at the grass. "Mommy--I NEED this."

Oh boy. Looks like we have a new lawnmower--with bubbles, no less---in our future. Good thing it's only $19.95. I don't think Mommy can wait until May 20th to purchase it. That's a looooong time of listening to mower talk :)

(And, I already was thinking of getting him a new one for Spring. He has to bend down to push the green handled one, that really is broken! This boy loves to mow, and will do so all day!)

One more funny thing he did today--I bent down and hugged him and then asked for a kiss. He pushed me away with a disgusted look and said "No...Mo-om!!" I instantly pictured him as a 13 year old. *Tear* I then called Grant over and said "Look at this--it's like he's 13 already!" As I tried to kiss him again, he pushes me away and says "No! Mooommmm!!! I Firteen!! (13)" Crazy kid.

I came downstairs in a dress the other day, since we were going to a wedding. Alex said "What's that?" Hmmm...apparently I need to dress up a little more often! Later, when I asked him if I looked pretty, he thought for a minute, looked me up and down and then said "You need pants!" Ha!

Noah now plays peek-a-boo. Oh so very cute. He spent a good 5 minutes putting one of daddy's clean work shirts over his head and then laughing hysterically when he pulled it off and I said "boo!"

He is now practically running around the house. He rarely, if ever, crawls anymore. He is getting very fast--and sneaky! He can be down the hall with his hand in the toilet in a heartbeat! He also likes to run away from you if he has something he's not supposed to have--like the remote, a cell phone, the broom, etc. Add that in with his fake cry when you take it away and it's pretty entertaining :)

Noah is in a very clingy, very mommy stage right now. I can hardly walk across the room without him attaching himself to my pant leg. It's endearing......and also trying. I love my boy and I'm trying to enjoy the snuggles while he wants to give them. It won't be long until he's two going on "firteen!"

Cardiology Update--God is good!

We took Alex to Children's yesterday for his 6 month appointment with Dr. Knilans. The appointment went better than we could have expected. Other than one little burst of crying when we went from the waiting room to the exam room, Alex was so brave! He talked with the nurses and Dr. Knilans, he played with dinosaurs, sat very quietly for his EKG and exam, and watched movies on Daddy's phone. (Noah did great playing too!) The good news is that his EKG has stayed exactly the same for the last 6 months. It has not progressed at all. We're not totally out of the woods; it could still change and we will have to be especially vigilante as he approaches puberty, but for now--we can relax a little. We don't have to take him back in for a year.

Dr. Knilans asked about Noah's yearly appointment. We told him we'd be back in July for that appointment. Grant mentioned that he was curious about how Noah's VSD (hole in his heart) was doing. Dr. Knilans immediately said "Well, take his shirt off! I'll listen." He listened intently for several minutes, and then told us that the hole has closed. Which--by the way--let me take a moment to sing his praises. He is a ridiculously good doctor. He could tell, just by listening with a stethoscope, whether a tiny hole existed in Noah's heart. He was able to tell several months ago the state of all 3 holes in his heart. As a reference point, our pediatrician has never been able to hear any murmur at all. We are so blessed to have Dr. Knilans. Anyway---Yay! Our baby's heart is perfect! In Dr. Knilans' words "Noah's been very busy! Walking at 8 months and growing more heart muscle to close the hole!" The hole is gone, and won't come back. We are so thankful.

Going in to this appointment, I was very nervous. My mama nerves were on edge for about a week beforehand. I just didn't know what to expect. I tried to place it in God's hands over and over. Sometimes I was successful, sometimes not. Finally, the night before the appointment I was able to be honest with Grant about all of my fears and worries. My biggest fear was that his EKG would have progressed to the point that we would have to start invasive testing right away and have to decide how to proceed from there. The thought of my little boy going through that is awful. Grant prayed for me for peace and comfort. God totally answered that prayer. I slept soundly (well as soundly as Noah would let me!), and had a sense of peace all day leading up to the appointment and during it. It definitely was a peace that transcended understanding.

God also answered our prayers for our boys. Alex is ok. For now. That's all that matters. We'll trust God for the future. Noah is healed! Noah's heart issue wasn't even really on the radar before Alex's appointment. We didn't really think we would hear anything about Noah. And God chose to not only show up by slowing (stopping) the progression of Alex's EKG, but to also show up and surprise us by healing Noah. I truly believe God was showing me that HE is in control. He loves my boys and will take care of them. I just have to continually give my boys to Him and trust in His plans for them. He will always go above and beyond to answer our prayers and bless us. God is good.

More Buster-isms :)

At the dinner table last night:

Alex-"Mooooo. Moooooo."

Me-"are you a cow?"

Alex-"no! Mooooooooo I'm a Moooo."

Me--"Well okay then!"

Alex-"Arrrrrrrrr. Pirate!"

Me- "Oh! You're a pirate, huh?"

Alex- "No!!! I'm a PRETEND pirate."

In the car:

Me -"Alex. Guess what? We're going to have a party for Noah!"

Alex- "Why?"

Me- "Well, we're going to take him to church and everyone is going to pray for him. We're going to give him to God."

Alex- "No. No baby Jesus. Baby Noah MY house."

Me-"Oh no! Baby Noah will come home to our house. We're not REALLY giving him to God."

*Mommy needs to remember two year olds are very literal!*

Talking with Pa:

Alex-"What's you name?"

Pa-"Well, actually my first name is Alexander, just like you!!"

Alex-"No. You name Jeff."

Pa-"Ha! Well, you're right!"

Alex- "This is my favorite!" About just about everything these days!

Alex has started saying "I miss you" in place of "I love you." We always tell him that we missed him if he's gone, or if we go to work. I think he heard the love in that phrase and started using it. So even if I've been with him all day (pretty much every day!) he'll sometimes turn to me and say "I miss you!" And it melts my heart. :)

Driving in the car:

Alex- "Meow. Meow."

Me- "Are you a kitty cat?"

Alex- "Nooo! I'm a cat-dog! Meow-ruff! Meow-ruff!"

Buster-isms

--"It's frigid out here!"

--Trying to sing the "Super Why" theme song: "Super God!"

--Having a theological discussion with a two year old:

"Did you know God loves you?"

"Yea. Loves me!"

"Did you know God loves Mommy too?"

"No way! Loves me!"

"God loves Buster AND Mommy. Just like Mommy loves you AND baby brother."

"Oh."

"Jesus come MY house."

"You want Jesus to come to our house?"

"Uh huh! Yea!"

"Well, Jesus is in Heaven with God."

"Where?"

"Well, up in the sky. With the stars." See, there's God, who's the Daddy. Then there's Jesus, who is the son. Just like you are Daddy's son. THEN there's the Holy Spirit. He can live inside of you and be with you ALL the time."

"Where?"

"In your heart."

"Right here? In my belly?"

"Yea. Kinda. Then God is with you all the time."

"Oh."

"Do you remember when you saw an angel in your room?"

"Uh huh. Yea!"

"Angels are from God. God sends them to protect us."

"Angel here now? My room?"

"Maybe. We usually can't see them. But I bet they're here watching us!"

"Oh!" Changes subject :)

---Heard several times a day: "I miss you! Too far!"

---To Noah: "Let's go Baby! Let's go!"

--"I go to school. Mrs. Larry." (His teacher is Mrs. Laird)