Wow!  It's been a looong time since I've blogged!  There has been a lot going on in the Anderson household over the past 7-8 months.  Most notably--Baby Boy Anderson #3 is on the way!  We found out (surprise!) in May that we would be adding to our family.  And, of course, he's another little boy.  I am due January 16th, 2013, with a c-section scheduled for the week beforehand.  We'll see if we make it that long!

Alex is now 4 and a half and growing and changing everyday.  He played soccer this Fall for the first time and LOVED it!  He ran hard at every practice and game.  He became quite the little goalie and wasn't afraid to throw himself on the ground for every save.  He is going to 3Cs Nursery School again this year.  He has Mrs. Unger for a teacher and is thriving.  Lots of his little buds from last year are in class with him again, which is so great.  Alex is learning how to write.  He fills notebooks with letters, numbers, drawings, etc.  He loves to write lists, game plans, etc.  He has also discovered legos, and builds some pretty cool cars, airplanes, "jungle trucks" and fire trucks with them.  He is also continuing with piano lessons and is learning so much. 

Noah is 2 and a half and such a fun little guy.  He is a mover and shaker.  He always wants to be on the go and doing something.  He has started dance class this year.  After a few shy months of not dancing in class (but doing everything at home) he has finally opened up.  He gets to have a few short minutes of piano instruction before Alex's lesson starts, and he loves it!  Noah is still being followed by the team at Cincinnati Children's Cardiology.  His heart is holding steady, for the most part, and he is healthy!

We are still pursuing foster care.  We took a break from the extensive licensure process when we got the news of this pregnancy.  We are *this* close to being done with all of the paperwork (finally!) and will hopefully be licensed by the beginning of 2013.  I can't even begin to imagine what's in store for us on this journey, but I am trusting that God has His hand in it!

My dad

I've been thinking about how to write this post for several days, and finally decided to just sit down and start typing. So here goes...

My dad and I are super close. We talk on the phone at least once a day (if not 5 times), text, see each other, etc. He is one of my best friends. We have the same sense of humor and agree more often than not. In fact, I can remember only one time my dad and I argued. It was a doozy of a fight, and it ended up with me crying on his shoulder. I think I was 17. Anywho....I digress.

My dad and I also have another bond. When I had my cardiac arrest episode when I was 12, he was the one who did CPR and kept me alive. He always likes to hold it over my head that he "kept me here!" :) Well, back in October my dad was diagnosed with Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy, the same disease that Noah and I both have. Turns out it came from him. Unfortunately he not only carried the gene that was passed down, but he also had the disease as well. A few weeks ago, he had some testing done and found out that he needed to have a defibrillator implanted. The news threw me for a loop. This was my DAD. My best friend. The tough guy. The guy who's never been hospitalized. The college quarterback. I just couldn't believe it. It hurt me so much to think of the pain he was going to go through. I know that pain intimately, and let me just tell you, it's not a fun surgery.

After I got over the shock of the news, it hit me. Of course. I always knew he wanted to be JUST LIKE ME! :) I am his favorite daughter. (And only...)

His surgery was this past Monday. Grant and I dropped the kids off to some of my fantastic mommy friends and headed down to Children's hospital. Oh--did I not mention that? Jeffrey got to have his surgery there. Since Children's Cardiology opened up an adult clinic, we're both seen there. The jokes that we made about him having his surgery there were fantastic. But in all seriousness, it was the best place for him to be. We went up to the 6th floor and into his room. As soon as we walked into the East wing, I knew. This was the exact wing were I was taken in 1994 after my cardiac arrest. Back then, it was the ICU. My dad was in the room right next door from where I spent my 11 days in ICU. The cute-sy wallpaper border was the same. The glass doors were the same. It was eerie. Who would've thought during all of that trauma almost 18 years ago, that we'd be back in the exact same place for my dad to have the exact same surgery??? Crazy.

My dad was surrounded by love all day. His brother and sister came to support him. His wife. His daughter (me!) and son-in-law. His son (who drove in all the way from New Hampshire). Friends. Church friends (including a new church friend who we just met. She actually transported me on the day of my cardiac arrest and just realized it after seeing the mailing from Children's Hospital featuring our story. She still works there!). As I drove home after everything was said and done, I got teary just thinking about how proud my grandma would be to see my Aunt Bonnie and Uncle Scott being there for my dad all day. Holding his hand and loving on him. Hoping and praying that when Alex and Noah are in their 60s that they'll be there for each other in that way. What a blessing.

His surgery went very well. His recovery time was hilarious. He was on a roll. If you've never met my dad, he can be very funny. It ALL came out while he was doped up on drugs. At one point, when we asked him if he was hurting, he said "yes." We asked where, and he responded "My feelings." Ha! At another point he said "This perfect specimen of a body is ruined. There goes my photo shoot for Muscle and Body Magazine." The nurse comes back with, "I thought it was for Playgirl?" And he says "No, that was next week!" He then proceeds to flex his good arm and say "I can't believe they let me into the hospital with these guns." Oh Jeffrey. You were hilarious. (He also has no memory of this and doesn't quite believe me...)

I came back later that night and sat with my dad while he slept. He yelled at me the next day for not waking him up. Ummm. Hello. You had just had surgery and were resting peacefully. Plus, I got to sit in a dark room and watch TV. It was a nice break for this Mama! I wrote him a note, took his glasses off for him and left. I came back the next morning (after more fantastic friends/family took my boys for me!) and hung out with him at the hospital, then brought him home and got him settled.

My dad, of course, has a newer, smaller, better defibrillator than I do, and isn't hesitating to rub it in. He also is already off of pain meds (weeks sooner than I was!) and couldn't feel the nurses pacing his device--which I hate. I'm thrilled he is doing so well. And, also, as awful as this sounds, glad to have a confidante that can actually understand how it feels to have a device. I do NOT want him to have one. But since he has to, and has one now, it's nice to know that he understands. It's just one of those things that you can't understand or appreciate until it has happened to you. I don't wish it on anybody--but I am grateful that I can be here for my dad to help him walk this path, and that we can commiserate together, compare notes, lead impedences, pacing thresholds, etc.

My mom always says that my dad and I are like two peas in a pod. Well, now we have one more thing to bond us together. Love you Fro!

Out of the Mouths of Babes....

Grant and I were discussing foster care in the car on the way to church today, and didn't quite realize that Alex was listening to us. We realized that we haven't told Alex that we're switching to foster to adopt. We started to explain it to him, and this is the conversation that followed:

Grant: We are going to foster a little girl. So she might come to stay with us for a little while and then go and stay with her family again.

Alex: But baby sister is going to grow in someone else's belly and then come and stay with us for long long long long long time!

Grant: Right, bud, but Mommy and I decided that we are going to foster instead. So we're going to love her for as long as we have her.

Alex: But I love baby sister so much! I want her to stay! I don't want to love her fast. I want to love her slow!

At which point, Grant and I looked at each, close to tears. We were pulling into church, so the conversation ended there. I know it will be continued in the near future. Here's the crux of the matter--Alex has a big heart. And that heart is, most likely, going to be broken. If his baby sister comes and we get to adopt her...he'll be great. But if she gets reunified with her birthfamily...oh boy. I'm already anticipating that heartbreak-on many levels. But God knows my boy. And he knows that my boy has a support system in place. He knows that we'll help him navigate that heartbreak. Who's going to help baby sister? That's why we're doing this. God was showing me during worship today that to follow Him requires total sacrifice. We sang a song called "Hosanna" today. Part of it says:

Heal my heart and make it clean.

Open up my eyes to things unseen.

Show me how to love like you, have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks yours.

Everything I am for your Kingdom's cause

As I walk from earth into eternity.

Everything I am. EVERYTHING. It means taking a risk of hearbreak. For both myself, Grant, AND my boys. As a mom, my deepest, most visceral feeling is to protect my children. To a certain extent, I have to give that up to God. And realize that He loves Alex more than I do. And He loves baby sister more than I do. I just need to trust that He has it under control. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be messy. There's going to be heartbreak. But He'll be there. For us. For Alex. For baby sister.

How much can I learn from Alex? At three years old, he has shown such a capacity for love and such an understanding of love. I think it is so profound that he wants to "love slow." Shouldn't we all desire to "love slow?" To have a NEED to just have as much time as we want to lavish love on the ones around us? I feel like I get so focused inward--and my boy's teaching me how to focus more outward.

A New Adventure

Tomorrow Grant and I take the first big step of a new adventure...Becoming foster parents! We have decided to leave the private adoption field (for a variety of reasons) and pursue the foster to adopt program offered through Hamilton County. We decided to do it about two weeks ago. As I've posted before, our private adoption agency wasn't meeting our needs any longer. Couple that fact with some discussions with friends and family members, getting covered in prayer by our small group and other friends and family, and we feel that God has led us to this place. And it feels good. It feels right. And scary. Unknown. Risky. And a whole host of other things. But first and foremost, it feels right. It feels good to feel as if you're right smack dab in the center of the path God wants you to be walking.

James 1:27 says "Religion that God our father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

Who are the orphans in America in 2012? Who are the widows? Who are the people on the margins of society that can most benefit from the church stepping up and fulfilling their duty? I believe it is the foster child and the single mother. (My sister-in-law Kristin, in all her wisdom, first shared this with me.) We decided to adopt because of James 1:27. We want to be obedient to God's call to care for the orphan. Private adoption started to not feel right. Was this tiny little baby we were going to receive REALLY an orphan? Sure. Maybe in the most basic form of the word. But if we chose to pass on that baby, 20 other couples from our agency would have gladly snatched her up and raised her lovingly. Were we really needed to serve in that way? I don't think so. Could we have served? Absolutely. Could we have loved that birthmother with the love of Christ? The birthfamily? That baby girl? Sure. Is that the greatest need? I don't think so. I think God has SO much more.

As an aside--I don't say any of this in a judging manner. Two weeks ago I was wholeheartedly a member of the private adoption field. God opened my eyes to a need, and revamped the call that Grant and I feel towards adoption to mean something different than we originally thought. And, that's how God works. I think He reveals one step of his plan at a time. This is our next step. I think if God had told us a year ago to foster to adopt we would have laughed and said No way! We're ready for this step now.

The private adoption field started to sit wrong with me for another, yet related reason. Here were twenty-some couples waiting desperately to adopt a baby. Wanting desperately to have a child to love. And there weren't enough babies to go around. We had already been waiting for 9 months. They tell you to expect to wait over a year. And yet, all across the state, there are SO many children in foster care that truly NEED someone to love them.

The end of James 1:27 has never really stuck out to me. I get stuck on the orphan and widow part. But "keep yourself from being polluted by the world" is right there with it. The world would tell us not to foster. The world would tell us it's too hard. Guard your hearts. Guard Alex and Noah's young little hearts. Don't take such an emotional risk. These kids have been hurt! They could hurt you! You never know what you're going to get! Go the safe way. Adopt a baby who has a clean slate. And on and on and on. It's going to be hard to tune those thoughts out. Hopefully God, and the godly people we surround ourselves with, will shout louder than the world: It Is GOOD to love. Love is always a risk. The greater the risk, the greater the reward. You're doing the right thing. God will bring the right child to your family. This will be the best thing for your family. Not the easiest thing for your family, but the thing that will bring you closer to God and closer to who He wants you to be. And on and on and on.

We start our training process tomorrow. We have to take 36 hours of training. It's 6 Saturdays in a row from 9-4 (with an hour for lunch). It's going to be long and intense. But--Grant and I also get to spend time together! And have a lunch date every Saturday. :) We also have to re-do our entire home study. Nothing can transfer from our first home study. We have to do ALL the paperwork, fingerprinting, interviewing, home inspections, etc. again. Ugh. Not looking forward to that part, but at least we know what to expect and where to go for everything now!

I'm looking forward to tomorrow and to getting this adventure off to a good start!

Adoption..Not for the Faint of Heart

Whoa, buddy. Isn't that true. I have always heard that adoption isn't easy. The wait is hard. It isn't for the faint of heart. And I'd nod and smile. Well....lately, I've been learning just how true that all is. Our adoption process hasn't been that difficult thus far. But in the past month or so, we've hit a few roadblocks. And it's feeling a lot harder. We've now hit the 9 month mark of waiting. And, for some reason, that feels significant to me. Maybe because that's the amount of time it takes to create a baby. Maybe because that's the amount of time I had to wait to meet each of my boys. Maybe because I had an idea in my mind that it would take roughly the same amount of time to get our daughter as it did for our sons to be born. I don't know. But it feels significant.

I'm not going to go into the roadblocks we've encountered. It's not worth it. We're working around some things, changing the way we're doing some things, etc. But it's hard. Adoption is hard. We're learning that it truly is a business. And that stinks. It stinks to truly realize you're in competition with other waiting families. It stinks to want a child so badly and realize everyone you're "competing" with ALSO wants a child so badly. How can you be mad when a birthmother doesn't pick you because she chose a couple who lost three children in late term pregnancy in three years?? How do you rectify feeling happy that that adoptive mother that was chosen will finally get to love and raise a daughter when my arms are still aching to hold MY daughter? You don't, I guess. You give it over to God and you trust that THAT was HER daughter and not YOUR daughter.

We're learning that while we do need to sit back and watch God work at times, other times you need to get off of your rear and be assertive and be your own advocate. And that's hard.

I feel that the waiting is supposed to be hard. I've been feeling that God has something to teach me in the waiting. I feel that He's asking me to press in and lean on Him when it's hard. I feel Him telling me to SHARE the hard. Be honest about the hard. Don't hide the hard behind a "It'll happen in God's timing." Which is a very true statement, but also a little bit of a cop-out answer that I tend to give when others ask me about the waiting. It's hard to know you're doing the right thing. Using the right agency. Setting the right parameters. Emailing the agency the correct amount of times so as to stay at the forefront of their minds but yet not annoy them endlessly. I feel God pushing me to transparency. So that's what this post is. A little bit of transparency. A peek into my current thoughts about this crazy process.

Do I know God has this under control? Yes. Do I know that I'll look back at the entire process and see His hand in it every. step. of. the. way.? Yes. Is it still hard in the moment to wait? Yes.

Lifestyle Changes

Over the past several years we've slowly made moves to remove chemicals from our home. It first started when Alex was a baby and learning how to crawl. It really weirded me out to mop the floor with this harsh chemical and then watch my baby crawl all over it, put his hands in his mouth, etc. So we started to switch to natural cleaners. We've cleaned with a vinegar/water solution for the past 3 years. For awhile, we would use other commercial cleaners as well for somethings, but now we exclusively use that. I used to really notice the smell of vinegar, but I don't even pay attention to it anymore. And, funnily enough, I tend to react really strongly to the smell of cleaners when I visit other people's homes. It smells SO strong and SO chemically to me.

More recently, thanks to Pinterest, I've also started making my own laundry and dishwasher detergent. I love it! It is so cheap! It actually works really well and there's no crazy chemicals on our bodies or on our dishes. (The dishwasher detergent has borax, washing soda, epsom salt and no sugar lemonade in it. The next time I'll make it without the lemonade...The laundry detergent has the washing soda, borax and bars of Ivory soap grated up.) I was able to get all of the supplies at Kroger. The best part is, since we have a high efficiency washer, we only have to use a Tablespoon of detergent in each load. We made our first batch about 3 months ago. It cost around $12 to make, and we're only about halfway through with the batch, AND we still have some of the supplies left over for another batch. We also only use a Tablespoon of dishwasher detergent. We are also using vinegar as a rinse aid.

I also recently found out that dryer sheets are one of the most toxic things in your home. I decided those had to go. I made some felted yarn balls and foil balls to use in our dryer instead. Both of those soften clothes, lessen drying time and reduce static.

I have to say, I never thought I would be a natural, hippie, crunchy mama. But I'm slowly turning into one, and I have to say, I love it! I love that my boys aren't exposed to a ton of chemicals. I love that I don't have to buy a different bottle of cleaning solution for every surface in my house. I love that my clothes smell like clothes and don't smell like fake flowers. I love that I breathe easily and my asthma isn't even an issue anymore.

There are still chemicals in our home, and I'm on the hunt for which ones are going to go next. Might it be the commercial, chemical-filled shampoo? The dish soap? Time will tell.

(And God bless Grant who indulges me in this venture, helps me with the recipes for the soaps and is a huge support! I know he sometimes thinks I'm crazy, but I really do think he likes this chemical-free life we're trying to lead!)

On the way to and from the grocery store today....

Alex: How does God put oil on our heads to help us pray?

Mommy: Well...

Alex: No! I'm talking to Noah! Noah, how does God put oil on our foreheads to help us pray? Noah? Noah!

Silence.....

Alex: I think he not answering.

Mommy: hhahahaha!

Alex: Why Uncle Ryan and Melissa getting married?

Mommy: Because they love each other.

Alex: When I get older I marry you, Mommy.

Mommy: Well, I'm already married. To Daddy.

Alex: I know, but I want to marry you.

Mommy: But you can't.

Alex (getting upset): But then who I marry?

Mommy: Bud, it's ok! You'll meet a nice girl who you like, and then you'll marry her.

Alex: Who?

Mommy: Maybe Katelyn, or Norah, or someone who you haven't met yet.

Alex (really upset now): Mommy I just want to marry you!

Mommy: Alex, it's ok. I love you! But Mommy's already married.

Alex: But you married long time ago. I want to marry you two weeks. I want to marry ya. Come on Mommy! I marry you two weeks.

Mommy (giving up): Ok. We'll see.

Adventures with Noah

Noah is such a fun boy. He is doing such a great job potty training. We started potty training about 2 months ago. Then the holidays happened. Long car rides and staying in other people's houses, staying up late, etc. meant that we put it on hold for awhile. This week we've started back in on it. He does really well! This morning, for instance, we left home at 8:45am. Took Alex to school, went to Target, my parents house, Kroger, to visit my grandpa and back to pick up Alex from school. He didn't have a single accident! Until we got home at 12:00 and he peed on the kitchen floor. Ah well--I still call it a successful morning! Especially when he told me he had to go on one side of Target and was able to hold it all the way to the other side until we got to the bathroom. He is so proud of himself, and we have to clap everytime he goes. Much better to do it at this age than when I potty trained Alex--he needed M&Ms and cookies as incentive!

Noah is also now in a big boy bed. The day he turned 20 months old, December 28th, Grant and I were sitting on the couch watching TV at naptime when he just walked out of his room and picked up a toy. He learned how to climb out of his crib! Ahh!! Alex never did that. We switched him to a big boy bed at around age two and a half, just because we thought he was ready. I was NOT ready to switch Noah. Destruct-a-baby can't be trusted! :) We put him in his crib at bedtime, and sure enough, 5 minutes later, out he comes! We continued to put him back in his crib. About 20 times later he finally gave up and fell asleep. Stubborn boy! The next day at nap was the same thing. We finally decided to just switch him to the Full size bed in his room. At least it is lower to the ground than the top of his crib! We put a childproof doorknob on the inside of his door. He was so proud and said "Cheese!" so proudly when we took his picture that night. It was a rough few nights of getting him settled, but about a week later, he was going to bed like a pro--or should I say like a big boy. Then, one morning, I heard little footsteps on the stairs around 6:30am and he handed me the two halves of his childproof doorknob. Grreeeat. So now his childproof doorknob is duct taped to the door. And he's happy in his big boy bed. That child is so fiesty--and I have to say, as much as it stresses me out at times, I love it!

Conversations with Alex

Driving in the car today:

Alex: Mommy, what if you had a fire on your hand?

Me: That would hurt!

Alex: Yeah. And we have to put oil on it and it heal and get all better!

Me: Oil?

Alex: Yeah!

Me: How do you know about using oil?

Alex: It helps you to pray.

Me: How do you know that?

Alex: Remember when Noah had oil on his forehead? And we pray? Remember that Mommy?

Me: I do. I can't believe you do! That's called anointing.

(Noah was dedicated to God and anointed with oil a year ago. We haven't talked about it since then.)

Driving in the car last week:

Alex: I want to be a firefighter.

Me: I know, bud. You can be whatever you want when you grow up.

Alex: Ok. I be a football player and in marching band and a firefighter and a zookeeper.

Me: Wow! You're going to be busy!

Alex: Yeah, I know.

Grant: I love you Buster!

Alex: Yeah.

LOL!

Standing in the kitchen:

Alex: Mommy--you the funniest girl I ever seen a long time ago.

Happy New Year!

2011 was a great year! Honestly, looking back, there is a lot to be thankful for. Here's a recap of some of our highlights and low points.

GOOD

~Starting our adoption journey in April. This was amazing. It was truly an answer to my prayers. It was so amazing to sit back and watch God work in my husband's heart and move him towards adoption. The home study process wasn't as hard as I expected (though incredibly intricate!). And now we're waiting. Again, not as hard as I expected, but still hard.

~Our boys! Our boys make us laugh every single day. They are learning and growing. Hardly a day goes by without us marveling at something new that they have learned how to do, or say, or figure out. We are so very blessed to have two smart, healthy, sweet children. They light up my days.

~My husband! I have been on a journey over the past year of learning how to love my husband by letting him lead our family. Spiritually, financially, in the decision making process, etc. It has been a journey with many ups and downs. And though it sounds archaic, I can truly tell you that it is the way that marriage is meant to be. He's happier, I'm happier, our kids are happier. He loves me so incredibly much. And it shows in the way he leads our family. I am very blessed to have him, and so thankful that God has been leading us into new territory in our marriage.

~Spending time in Virginia with my dad's side of the family. We vacationed for over a week on Lake Gaston this past July. My parents, brother, sister in law, three nephews and the four of us shared one house, while my twin uncles and their families shared my uncle's house just down the road. What an amazing week. Family bonding, learning how to wake board (kinda), lots of good food, good conversation, cards, boat rides, floating on rafts and having girl talk....It was great. I can't wait to go back. Alex asks about once a week if he can go to Uncle Greg's house. :)

~The holidays. We had a fantastic holiday season this year. We got to spend a lot of time with family. We had a great Christmas morning. The four of us woke up and opened presents with both sets of grandparents. It's very special to me that my boys get to spend that time with their grandparents.

~Many trips out of town. We traveled to Detroit several times, Cleveland several times, Indy a couple times, Milwaukee, and Lake Gaston. Our boys are pros at car travel (thanks to our DVD player!) and we really enjoy our weekend getaways to see family and friends.

~Becoming director of Strategy for Mothers. I love serving in this role. It's been a lot of fun for me to plan our meetings, the speakers, the themes, prayer stations, etc. It has been a great challenge and I have really grown in my faith because of it. God has a heart for mothers, and it's a blessing to be able to watch Him reach out to bless them.

~Grant's job. Grant is doing amazingly well at the high school. He just keeps getting these unexpected awards and accolades. Of course, my humble husband won't share much of it with anyone, but I am oh so proud.

NOT SO GOOD

~Noah's diagnosis of Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy in June. He is doing great. He is fully adjusted to his medication and acts like a perfectly normal little boy. While this obviously falls in the "not so good" category, there have also been many blessings associated with this. There is no part of me that likes the fact that my child has a heart disease. However, God is good, and He's proved that He's good time and time throughout this process. I've posted before about all the details, and I'm sure I will again.

~My family dealing with the diagnosis. HCM is a very genetic disease. If a parent has it, there's a 50% chance that each of their children will get it. They were able to isolate the gene that caused my disease and we're working backward from there to test my whole family. Not a fun thing. But, again, a blessing. A definitive yes or no is MUCH better than playing the guessing game and/or making everyone play it safe. We're in the beginning stages of the family testing, and I'll let you know more later.

~My grandpa had a stroke this past November. He is doing very well, considering. He is 87. He is now living in an assisted living facility. It is hard to watch him lose his independence, but he is still kickin' and was able to come celebrate Christmas with the family.

I think that's about it! Overall, much more GOOD than NOT SO GOOD. And really, the not so good all have blessings associated with them as well. As I look forward to 2012, I can't imagine what God has in store for us. 2011 was NOT what I expected, and I'm sure He'll blow me away again. (Hopefully with an amazing daughter before 2013 is upon us!)