Out of the Mouths of Babes....

Grant and I were discussing foster care in the car on the way to church today, and didn't quite realize that Alex was listening to us. We realized that we haven't told Alex that we're switching to foster to adopt. We started to explain it to him, and this is the conversation that followed:

Grant: We are going to foster a little girl. So she might come to stay with us for a little while and then go and stay with her family again.

Alex: But baby sister is going to grow in someone else's belly and then come and stay with us for long long long long long time!

Grant: Right, bud, but Mommy and I decided that we are going to foster instead. So we're going to love her for as long as we have her.

Alex: But I love baby sister so much! I want her to stay! I don't want to love her fast. I want to love her slow!

At which point, Grant and I looked at each, close to tears. We were pulling into church, so the conversation ended there. I know it will be continued in the near future. Here's the crux of the matter--Alex has a big heart. And that heart is, most likely, going to be broken. If his baby sister comes and we get to adopt her...he'll be great. But if she gets reunified with her birthfamily...oh boy. I'm already anticipating that heartbreak-on many levels. But God knows my boy. And he knows that my boy has a support system in place. He knows that we'll help him navigate that heartbreak. Who's going to help baby sister? That's why we're doing this. God was showing me during worship today that to follow Him requires total sacrifice. We sang a song called "Hosanna" today. Part of it says:

Heal my heart and make it clean.

Open up my eyes to things unseen.

Show me how to love like you, have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks yours.

Everything I am for your Kingdom's cause

As I walk from earth into eternity.

Everything I am. EVERYTHING. It means taking a risk of hearbreak. For both myself, Grant, AND my boys. As a mom, my deepest, most visceral feeling is to protect my children. To a certain extent, I have to give that up to God. And realize that He loves Alex more than I do. And He loves baby sister more than I do. I just need to trust that He has it under control. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be messy. There's going to be heartbreak. But He'll be there. For us. For Alex. For baby sister.

How much can I learn from Alex? At three years old, he has shown such a capacity for love and such an understanding of love. I think it is so profound that he wants to "love slow." Shouldn't we all desire to "love slow?" To have a NEED to just have as much time as we want to lavish love on the ones around us? I feel like I get so focused inward--and my boy's teaching me how to focus more outward.