We have had the girls for over three months now. We have definitely hit our stride. When the girls are at visit, our home feels empty without them. Three kids feels E.A.S.Y. (Not something I EVER thought I would say!) We have our bedtime routine down pat. The kids argue and share like siblings. The girls are bonding with us. Little D lights up with a huge smile and starts flailing and kicking her arms and legs, snorting and laughing when I come pick her up from Sunday school, the childcare room or a visit from mom. And we are bonding with them, as well.
It is still hard. Excruciatingly hard some days. There are a lot of times when it feels like too much. Those are the times that God chooses to show up. Usually quietly. Sometimes loudly. To remind us of why. And we are renewed. For another day, hour or minute. Until we cry out again, and He shows up again. It happens in the most unexpected of ways. I took a trip to Kroger with just the babies and Noah while T and Alex were at school last week. (Again--this felt luxurious--I JUST had a three year old and two eight month olds....easy! Oh how my perspective has changed!) I was picking out some meat at the meat counter when I heard a woman exclaim "Oh!" I turned to look and she had clasped one hand to her chest and was looking at D and Ryan in the cart. They were sitting in the cart (it was a twin cart with two baby places by the handle), and they were holding hands. This woman continued, "I'm sorry. They just touched my heart." And she began to cry. "They are just so innocent and young. And then we mess them up!" She was a black lady. The picture of a little black girl and a little white boy, holding hands, totally unassumingly and loving each other so sweetly just overwhelmed her heart. As it does my heart many times a day. D and Ryan are so sweet and are so stinkin' cute when they play together. (Even though Ryan does pull her hair and she yanks him down by the back of the shirt sometimes...true siblings!) The other day, D crawled over while I was changing Ryan's diaper and leaned down to kiss him right on the mouth! Ryan is the only one she's given kisses to so far. :)
Grant and I were in the throes of bedtime a few nights ago, and all of a sudden realized what was happening in front of us and we stopped to watch and listen. Noah had pulled out his "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" book and was singing the song to D and turning the pages for her. It was such a sweet moment.
There are hard times for our boys. Alex asked me the other day what would happen to him. I asked him what he meant by that and he said "When will I be a foster?" His young little heart didn't fully understand why T and D came to live with us and was dreading the day that he would be sent to live with another family. It just broke my heart that he was worried. It opened the door to good conversation, however, and he is now fully reassured that he will stay with us.
Grant and I are tired. We are run down. We have the girls 24/7, except when they are with mom for 8 hours a week. We did have our 10 day vacation, back in July, that seems like so long ago. My parents should have their certificate to babysit soon, and we will have a much-needed date night. It is wearying to always be "on," and know that we can't escape. When we were overwhelmed with the boys, we'd just call a sitter and leave for the evening. Now, that's just not a reality. We have had to get creative and do date nights at home. We've had to create "escape" right here in our own living room with 5 children sleeping peacefully (or, not so peacefully) right down the hall. We have grown so much in such a short time. We've had to lean on each other, support each other, exercise grace and compassion for each other, and work more as a team than we ever have before. And it's good. It's honest, hard work. I collapse onto the couch next to the love of my life at the end of every day weary, bone-tired and satisfied from a hard day's work. And they are always there with me--God, my number one and the personification of perfect love, and Grant, my number two and the love of my earthly life.
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