Third Mom

"A child born to another woman calls me mom.  The depth of the tragedy and the magnitude of the privilege are not lost on me."  Jody Landers

This quote has been on my mind this morning.  The foster care journey we have been on has meant that I've had seven children call me Mommy over the past year and a half that I never gave birth to.  What a joy and a tragedy all at the same time.  The two little girls that lived with us for almost a year, of course, called me Mommy.  Little Miss T still calls me that when I see her.  Oftentimes, her mom is with us.  She calls her birth mom "Mom" and me "Mommy."  A little confusing at times, for sure!

We had the pleasure of doing respite care for a sweet 8 year old girl for several days this summer while her foster mom was sick.  She was old enough to process, to some extent, everything happening to her.   She began to call me "Third Mommy."  Her birth mom was Mom #1, her foster mom was Mommy-Tammy and I was Third Mommy.  Even though she was only in our home for a few days, the bond grew quickly.  I cared for her, cooked for her, tucked her in, washed her clothes, reminded her to brush her teeth, comforted her when she fell, instructed her, laughed with her, listened to her, and much more.  I was her "third mommy" for that brief time.

We have two little girls staying with us now for ten days.  I have watched them about once a week for the past two months.  They are really sweet.  I've always been Ms. Sarah to them.  But something happens when you tuck a child in at night, and greet them the next morning.  After only 24 hours in our home, I began to be "Mommy."  Right now it's a mix of Ms. Sarah and Mommy.  I always refer to myself as Ms. Sarah, never Mommy.  I would never presume to take that title on for myself.  But yet, I won't correct them if they do call me Mommy.  They need to feel the comfort and love that comes from using that word and having someone respond.  I feel so privileged that they do.  But yet again, they have their birth mom, who they got to spend a few hours with yesterday; their foster mom, who they call Mommy as well; and then now they add me into the mix.  The third mom.

I've never had to experience life without access to my mom.  She is always there, always ready to listen, and has never NOT been there.  I do understand the prospect of having two moms, because of my wonderful Mother-in-law.  I have experienced the joy of knowing there are two women who love me, care for me, and are always available.  The tragedy that these children experience of not having access to their  "#1 mom" is incomprehensible to me.

Grant and I have decided to take a step back from full-time foster care for the time being.  Grant has one last year of grad school (woohoo for his SECOND Master's almost being done!) and that comes with an internship.  We are taking time to breathe, rest, restore and build the bond between our three boys for at least this coming school year.  We are, however, planning to do respite care.  We will step in and fill in for foster families when they need a break, take a trip, get sick, etc.  In essence, being a third mommy and daddy for these kiddos.  So far, it has been the best of both worlds.  We get to care for the kids, keep a hand in foster care, help out the families that are stressed and living in the trenches of foster care day in and day out.  We know how hard that is.  But yet, we can choose the schedule and that allows for lots of family time.  I am looking forward to this year and seeing what it brings.  I don't like the fact that so many children need, or have, third mommies, but I'm willing to be  one when necessary, whatever that looks like.